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Literature Text
I'm seeing red again.
It drips from the mortar
to polish pallid bricks bright,
and slowly fills in the cracks.
In this no-man's-land
death bleeds garbage,
and spews bloated limbs
from a black sack split.
The sun casts shadows in this alley
where, somehow, Law can't reach.
Discorporate voices,
past dead and past redemption,
wail back from the abyss
as a horde of flies crawl up
smooth marmoreal thighs.
It's this irony that kills me -- who am I to be a lord?
And sirens screaming, they haul me away
writing me off as a victim.
It drips from the mortar
to polish pallid bricks bright,
and slowly fills in the cracks.
In this no-man's-land
death bleeds garbage,
and spews bloated limbs
from a black sack split.
The sun casts shadows in this alley
where, somehow, Law can't reach.
Discorporate voices,
past dead and past redemption,
wail back from the abyss
as a horde of flies crawl up
smooth marmoreal thighs.
It's this irony that kills me -- who am I to be a lord?
And sirens screaming, they haul me away
writing me off as a victim.
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My psychologist told me this sounded like someone who's having a mental break. 
[link]
Questions for Critique:
1. Does it flow well?
2. Did you expect the twist at the end and did you get the allusion?
3. How well does the last "stanza" work? How would you improve it, if you could?
4. Any other suggestions?
[link]
Questions for Critique:
1. Does it flow well?
2. Did you expect the twist at the end and did you get the allusion?
3. How well does the last "stanza" work? How would you improve it, if you could?
4. Any other suggestions?
© 2011 - 2024 greenleo94
Comments14
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I enjoyed the poem. It flowed well in my opinion. There wasn't anything that jarred me out of the poem.
I did not expect the twist at the end, though I suppose I should have with the overall dark theme. I didn't get the allusion, but it's kind of tickling the edges of my brain. I wasn't as big of a fan of the last stanza - I found it less clear - but that might be because I didn't get the allusion. I didn't get the irony, or why the sirens were "writing off" the speaker as a victim. Are these tied into the allusion?
I was a really big fan of your imagery and word choice throughout the rest of the poem though, particularly the phrases "polish pallid", "spews bloated limbs", "discorporate voices", and "smooth marmoreal thighs".
I did not expect the twist at the end, though I suppose I should have with the overall dark theme. I didn't get the allusion, but it's kind of tickling the edges of my brain. I wasn't as big of a fan of the last stanza - I found it less clear - but that might be because I didn't get the allusion. I didn't get the irony, or why the sirens were "writing off" the speaker as a victim. Are these tied into the allusion?
I was a really big fan of your imagery and word choice throughout the rest of the poem though, particularly the phrases "polish pallid", "spews bloated limbs", "discorporate voices", and "smooth marmoreal thighs".