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It started when space imploded
you pulled me back, landed me on the moon,
so we could sit in the vacuum silence
and watch suns spiral down to hell.

You radiated, my minuscule flare,
your worn heat baked my bones brittle,
but it somehow made me stronger.

-

It ended when your eyes slid lateral,
fractured feelings leaking out in tears;
it was the first and last thing
I ever saw again.

This ridiculous happenstance,
simple in its impossibility,
was what broke us apart:

While solar light is beautiful,
it blinds when reflected by
automobile metal.
EDIT:

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and favs! :D I love you guys so much. You all made my day. I'll try to respond to each of you, but if I can't, thank you again! :heart:

----

I love twists and telling creepy little stories. Perhaps, for a poet, that isn't such a bad thing? :)

:iconthewrittenrevolution:

[link]

Questions for Critique:

1. Does the time relationship make sense? If not, how could I change it while still maintaining the feel of the poem?

2. What do you get from this poem?

3. Anything else you feel like adding? :)
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-01-31
the day we died by ~greenleo94 positively demands a re-read or two or three, the suggester writes. ( Suggested by LadyofGaerdon and Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconthelawofzerodivision:
TheLawOfZeroDivision Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Student General Artist
OH MY GOD! THAT WAS JUST SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL! I'M IN TEARS. THAT LAST PART GOT ME! :iconmanlytearsplz:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :hug: :heart:
Reply
:iconthelawofzerodivision:
TheLawOfZeroDivision Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Student General Artist
no problem
Reply
:iconis-lnds:
Is-lnds Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
i really like the way you handled this.
as far as time. its very subtle - even
though its juxtapose against such vivid
imagery.

This ridiculous happenstance,
simple in its impossibility,
was what broke us apart:


its seeing a few short seconds even shorter.
and stretching them into stanzas. it works

:clap:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :'D
Reply
:iconis-lnds:
Is-lnds Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
:heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: Your comment made my night too.
Reply
:iconzee-who:
Zee-Who Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist
Congrats on your Daily Deviation!:squee::heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconamidarosa:
amidarosa Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
"and watch suns spiral down to hell." EPIC, I'm glad you didn't just say, the sun, but made it plural
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:3 me too.

Thank you so much! :D
Reply
:icondreamer-of-magic:
Dreamer-of-Magic Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013   General Artist
:clap: wonderful
Reply
:iconshortstack28:
ShortStack28 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
BEAUTIFUL!!! True professional poetry! LOVE IT!!!!!!! :clap:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :la: :hug:
Reply
:iconshortstack28:
ShortStack28 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! It deserves it! :)
Reply
:iconshadow19967:
shadow19967 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Professional Writer
That was awsome.
Reply
:iconabraxas-within:
Abraxas-within Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this. I hope i will someday be as good of a writer as you, but i know it will take time. Just wondering, how long does it take you to think up your poems? Does it come in a flash or does it gradually grow?
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It honestly depends. I try not to force myself into writing, though. Most of the time, I get a random idea stuck in my head based on what I'm doing at the time. A line or two form, and I have to write those down right away. Then, when I have the time, I sit down and spend some quality time with my computer. I always write something, thought some of it may be utter crap. It's good practice, though, and I can always take a break and revise it later. I never post or show it to people until I'm either satisfied with it, or having some serious issues. :)
Reply
:iconabraxas-within:
Abraxas-within Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's pretty much what i do too, but i usually don't post my best things because they often end up being the most personal. I guess i just need to practice more and work on my techniques, then hopefully I'll be closer to your level. :)
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hope I'm not too presumptuous with the long comment here. :P

It's hard posting personal stuff. Most of these poems hold a special place in my heart. It helps me to be a little obscure about details, because then I can treat it as a piece of art rather than a memory. That's part of the reason why my artist's comments never really add anything to the piece.

Practice, and take criticism, even if you don't agree with it. It's always good to have people not like your work. The opposing opinions at least helped me grow into my abilities. (Of course, hearing good things is what kept me motivated. XD)

Another suggestion is find words, imagery, and subjects and own them. I love nature and cosmic imagery. The subjects are fascinating, and there is a lot of room to work in. A lot of other writers like anatomical imagery. I do too, though not as much. Anatomical references can get a bit cliched if you're not careful.
Reply
:iconmichaelgarcia7:
MichaelGarcia7 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Professional Writer
Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013   Writer
This is impossibly beautiful. It took me two reads to understand exactly what was going on, but it was awe-inspiring when I did. I'm not sure what all these critiques are saying, honestly-- I love that last line. It brings everything into full focus and it hit me like, well, a truck. Everything fell into place with "automobile metal" and I love those particular words together, as well.

Congrats on this wonderful DD.
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013   Writer
You're so welcome. :)
Reply
:iconallisohnez:
allisohnez Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist
The opening line and the last stanza :heart: I just want to hug them!
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D Thank you! :hug:
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like this... I feel like it reflects a very severe car crash-? And the last few moments of two lovers lives... I dunno, but I really like it. <3
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yes. There is a time gap between the two parts, though. :) Thank you!
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like it! :D
Reply
:iconhoshisamavalmor:
HoshisamaValmor Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
I really agree with the suggester, you need to re-read this poem at least twice to fully understand it. I have no suggestions to add, I think you did a wonderful work in so little words. Poems have always seem like impossible things for me to manage, and I haven't written anything for a long while, so if I wasn't good before, I'm even worse now.

Congrats for the DD :clap:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D

I think, sometimes, it helps to take a break. At least it helps me. I find I can't write anymore unless I do some living first. ;)

:hugs: Keep practicing.
Reply
:iconmonsterzrscary:
monsterzrscary Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I really love this poem. I had to go back a second time, which is good, you want people to read again and have to think about your meaning. very nice imagery, and I love the sun/star metaphor, very beautiful idea.
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. To me, love has always felt like a stellar event. :heart:
Reply
:iconmonsterzrscary:
monsterzrscary Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
:)
Reply
:iconkcsummerz:
KCsummerz Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconcongratsdd1plz::iconcongratsdd2plz::iconcongratsdd3plz:
Reply
:icongrammarshinehyena:
GrammarshineHyena Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It's absolutely beautiful! O3O
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:la: Thank you!
Reply
:icongrammarshinehyena:
GrammarshineHyena Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
no problem c:
Reply
:iconartsyspirit:
artsyspirit Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this...it's so raw. Great job! I wish I could write! I don't think you should change anything at all.
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's taken me many years of practice and suffering. Be careful what you wish for. ;)

Also thank you for your lovely comment and fav! :D
Reply
:iconartsyspirit:
artsyspirit Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, well they have certainly been worth it!And you're welcome! :)
Reply
:iconxserenax:
xSerenax Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it is perfect the way it is, but perhaps that is because I believe when a poem is written it has purpose. However, if you edit the poem you change the purpose and it no longer holds the value of originality. Anyone can edit written word to a beautiful perfection in harmony, but rarely does raw thought form something so beautiful. Keep it.
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're wonderful. X3 :heart:
Reply
:icongironimo:
Gironimo Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
it sounds great, and I like the flow of it. I just got the impression you made the very last 3 lines first and tried to make it fit to the ending. These last 3 lines somehow irritate me.
But I like the overall melancholic atmosphere and the dramatic words you used.
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Huh. This was a product of a dream I had, so you're kind of correct in that assessment. I've never had someone see through my poems like that, though. Why do they irritate you?

Thank you for the comment and compliments. :)
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student General Artist
Interesting. I don't really get it though.
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's a tragic love story. :)
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student General Artist
Awh. I understand now.
Reply
:iconeternalfallacy:
EternalFallacy Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
The words of the DD suggestor are absolutely true, the twist in the end is stunning :clap:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :D
Reply
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