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October 30, 2011
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It started when space imploded
you pulled me back, landed me on the moon,
so we could sit in the vacuum silence
and watch suns spiral down to hell.

You radiated, my minuscule flare,
your worn heat baked my bones brittle,
but it somehow made me stronger.

-

It ended when your eyes slid lateral,
fractured feelings leaking out in tears;
it was the first and last thing
I ever saw again.

This ridiculous happenstance,
simple in its impossibility,
was what broke us apart:

While solar light is beautiful,
it blinds when reflected by
automobile metal.
EDIT:

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and favs! :D I love you guys so much. You all made my day. I'll try to respond to each of you, but if I can't, thank you again! :heart:

----

I love twists and telling creepy little stories. Perhaps, for a poet, that isn't such a bad thing? :)

:iconthewrittenrevolution:

[link]

Questions for Critique:

1. Does the time relationship make sense? If not, how could I change it while still maintaining the feel of the poem?

2. What do you get from this poem?

3. Anything else you feel like adding? :)
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-01-31
the day we died by ~greenleo94 positively demands a re-read or two or three, the suggester writes. ( Suggested by LadyofGaerdon and Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconthelawofzerodivision:
TheLawOfZeroDivision Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Student General Artist
OH MY GOD! THAT WAS JUST SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL! I'M IN TEARS. THAT LAST PART GOT ME! :iconmanlytearsplz:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :hug: :heart:
Reply
:iconthelawofzerodivision:
TheLawOfZeroDivision Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Student General Artist
no problem
Reply
:iconis-lnds:
Is-lnds Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
i really like the way you handled this.
as far as time. its very subtle - even
though its juxtapose against such vivid
imagery.

This ridiculous happenstance,
simple in its impossibility,
was what broke us apart:


its seeing a few short seconds even shorter.
and stretching them into stanzas. it works

:clap:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :'D
Reply
:iconis-lnds:
Is-lnds Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
:heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: Your comment made my night too.
Reply
:iconzee-who:
Zee-Who Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
Congrats on your Daily Deviation!:squee::heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconamidarosa:
amidarosa Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
"and watch suns spiral down to hell." EPIC, I'm glad you didn't just say, the sun, but made it plural
Reply
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